Do I have the Faith?

I don't know where to begin with this one. God really spoke to me and challenged me tonight. You may think that I am crazy, but you know what, that's ok. I am going to tell what happened anyway. After church this evening, I was left alone at Majak wondering what I should do. I decided I ought to take a walk. I started walking and I headed for this little prayer chapel in the woods behind Majak. I got down there and started to pray. I began to walk around in the courtyard of the chapel as I prayed. At the edge of the courtyard there is a little wall about two feet high and two feet wide with about a seven foot drop on the other side. I began to pace back and forth on the ledge as I prayed. All of a sudden I wondered, "If Jesus were on the other side of this little ravine and asked me to walk to him would I have the faith to step off the ledge." Then I remembered a few days ago when I was eating my lunch on the Parnas fountain downtown. While I ate my lunch and watched the crowds of people going about their business in the square, I was suddenly struck by the thought that statistically there might be one other Christian in the whole square. I felt this sudden burden for the people and I thought if only I could speak Czech I would stand up right now and share the Word of life with them. Then I thought of Pentecost and I felt like God was challenging me to stand up and speak to the people regardless. I believe it was a test of my faith more than anything else, and sadly I failed. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Now I stood on the edge of this ledge with my faith tested once again. Not that God really wanted me to step out into the air. I think He was merely opening my eyes to how weak my faith really is. With my head down and full of shame I stepped away from the ledge and began to walk back. I knew in that moment if I had been in the boat when Jesus walked on water I would have been one of the eleven that stayed in the boat and not Peter. I knew I didn't have the faith, and it hurt. It wasn't about the ledge it was about God's power to really change peoples lives and to change my life. I believe God has the power to miraculously change lives and I believe he can give me a spirit filled sanctified life, but somehow I don't have the faith that he can and will. It is hard to explain. I guess I know God can do it, but when it comes down to it I just don't have the faith, I don't really believe. I was completely shocked and hurt and my own weakness and unbelief. I fell on my face before God and asked him to help my unbelief. I cried out, admitting that I lacked faith, but that I truly desired it. In the moment of testing I had failed, but at least I was honest with myself and with God. I really wonder what God could do if we truly believed. In Ephesians Paul says, "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms." Wow, the power of God which raised Christ from the dead is available for us who believe. That is incredible power, why don't we see it at work more often then. Well it is pretty simple actually. I believe it is because, when it all comes down to it, we don't really have faith in that power, or at least that that power is still available. I know I may be starting to sound like a crazed charismatic, but maybe that's that problem. We want the calm, comfortable, easy Christian life. Maybe we're afraid of what would happen if we really believed and truly stepped out in complete faith. Maybe we are all too comfortable with where we are now. I know I am all too often. Yeah, I may be off on missions trip to Czech for six months, but that doesn't mean I am really stepping out in faith. I can get comfortable and lazy here just as much as I do at SWU. I am tired of living the comfortable Christian life though and I am ready to step out in faith and watch God do miraculous things. Are you?